-- by Laura Ann Collins --
Preston struggles to his feet and advances
menacingly towards Tex.
Preston: Why, I oughta . . .
Tex: Take it easy there, partner. You don't want to do
something you'll regret later.
Chanel grabs Preston's arm to hold him back.
Chanel: He's right, Preston. You're not yourself. Why don't
you put some ice on your head and take an aspirin? We can discuss this in the morning when
you're feeling better.
Preston: There's nothing to discuss. I know what I heard!
He breaks free from Chanel and begins to run across the
room towards Tex, growling. With an alarmed expression, Tex opens the window and climbs
out onto the porch roof. Preston, unable to stop in time, runs straight into the wall.
Chanel rushes to his aid.
Chanel: Preston, darling, are you all right?
She helps him to his feet, then looks out the window. Tex
has jumped off the roof onto the back of Chanel's horse, and is riding away as fast as he
Chanel: Oh no! There goes Loverboy!
Preston recoils in horror.
Preston: Why . . . why . . . you . . . you . . .
He struggles to find the words to express his heartache.
Preston: Not a finger!
Before Chanel can stop him, he climbs out the window and
jumps off the roof in pursuit of Tex. As Bertha Arkana rounds the corner of the farmhouse,
she is shocked to see Preston lying flat on his back on the ground, gasping for breath.
Bertha: Don't worry, I took first aid in junior high.
Preston: No, I'm fine, really!
Ignoring his protests, Bertha begins performing
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation rather enthusiastically. Just then, Chanel charges out the
front door and is horrified by the sight she beholds.
Chanel: Preston Charlemagne Suits IV, what on EARTH are you
Preston: Chanel, I can explain.
Chanel: I would be very interested to hear that
explanation, you lying piece of scum!
Bertha: Would you like a ride to town, by any chance?
Preston: You know, it is a lovely day for a drive.
They leap into Bertha's car and drive away, as Chanel yells
Chanel: That's right, you'd better run, because when I
catch you . . .
In the car, Preston and Bertha are relieved at their narrow
Preston: I really can't thank you enough, Miss . . .
Bertha: It's Bertha, Bertha Arkana. You shouldn't thank me,
though. After all, I'm the one who got you into this mess.
Preston: Nonsense, it's the best thing that could have
happened. Let her see what it feels like. Say, Bertha, you're a woman.
Bertha: So they tell me.
Preston: Well, maybe you can tell me what's so great about
Bertha: You don't mean that Tex and your wife . . .
Preston nods glumly.
Preston: You'd better pull over now.
the car over to the side of the road at the end of the Lazy Daisy lane.
Bertha: Well, I like that! No wonder he's been giving me
Preston: (with some distaste) Are you saying that you and
Tex are romantically involved?
Bertha: Well, we used to be, until he divorced me. Didn't
you notice that we have the same last name?
Preston: I just assumed you were related.
Bertha: Now, this may be the country, but it isn't
Preston: Look, Bertha, I think I know a way we can both get
our respective spouses back, but I'm going to need a little help.
Bertha: You can count me in. What's the plan?
Preston: Well, it goes something like this . .
-- Debbie Dunlap--
A few moments later, Preston gets out of
Bertha's car and waves as Bertha drives off towards town.
Preston whistles and exclaims to himself,
"That woman does bad real good!"
He looks toward the ranch, about 1/2 a
mile away, and grins smugly. He'd bet his last dollar that the bit of fire licking
at the porch steps is his lovely red-head and that she was tapping her toe and had her arms
crossed tight. And if he didn't know better, he'd swear there was a three-alarm fire
in her eyes right now, too. A weaker man might run from such warnings of impending
danger, but Preston limps toward the ranch, his lame ankle adequate excuse to avoid his
wife's wrath for as long as possible.
"Serves her right to be a little
jealous," he mutters.
Stopping, he places one hand on his hip,
another to his hair, striking a feminine pose. "Oh!
purrs in falsetto. Promptly, he drops his hand to his hip, furrows his brow and
begins to stomp toward the ranch. The first step reminds him, painfully, that his
ankle will not cooperate with his ire. Preston is forced to resume his previous,
more leisurely pace.
Chanel, impatient with Preston's slow
progress, gives him one last scorching glare before turning and slamming the front door on
her way inside.
Preston sighs, "A moment's
Now free to appreciate his walk in the
country, Preston further slows his pace and looks about him. "Now THIS is what
I pictured when I wanted to move out west," Preston thinks. "Wide open
spaces, mountain backdrop, sun setting on a beautiful ranch house." As he says
the words, the sun is just beginning its evening ritual of bathing the Lazy Daisy
homestead in rosy hues.
Suddenly, Preston furrows his brow.
Then he raises an eyebrow. Next he raises his hands in front of him and uses
his hands to form a picture frame. The portrait? Tex's ranch house. A
puzzled look crosses his face. He drops his hands, closes his left eye and looks at
the house with his right eye. He reverses the process and looks out of his left eye.
Preston again frames the house with his
hands. The parting shot is straight-on looking at Preston as he looks at the ranch.
From this perspective, his hands appear to frame Preston's face; one eyebrow is
raised in confusion and wonder.
-- by Aileen Mackintosh
Meanwhile, in the nearby one street, one horse place
that passes for the local town, a rather shady character by the name of Magillicuddy
Murphy (or Mack as his friends call him) is checking into its only hotel. He
has the look of a prize fighter about him - a cauliflower ear and a nose that looks like
it has been knocked sideways several times, his eyes a piercing blue. However, when asked
by the receptionist
Mack: I depends, I have a little business in town and
I may stay several days, is that OK?
Reception Clerk: Sure we have plenty of rooms.
Mack: I understand you have some newcomers in
Clerk: Oh yes, at the Lazy Daisy Ranch - lovely
people. Or so I hear.
Mack: I must look them up some time, great
chums of mine!" A look of amusement accompanies the last statement.
At this moment Bertha slinks past the Hotel entrance, and
seeing Mack winks and says Hello there big boy.
Clerk: You know them, these new people? The
clerk settles down for a good chat, but Mack grabs his room key and bags and heads for his
room with a swift, Thank you. On entering his room he dumps his bags and starts
to ring a Manhattan number.
Mack: Mr. Suits Yewell please. (a pause)
Thank you. Case? How are you? Ive located your cousin and the family.
Case Yewell: Good, now heres what I
want you to do ...
Several minutes later: OK Case, I think I have an
idea about that. (In his minds eye he sees Bertha) Bye. He puts
the phone down with a huge smile on his face.
The pictures fades and we return to the Lazy Daisy Ranch as
the sun is beginning to set, where we see Preston, Chanel and Lucy sitting in silence on
the front porch. Tex is nowhere to be seen. Preston is beginning to look like an Egyptian
mummy after the doctor has finished bandaging his head and his ankle. Chanel and Lucy are
engaged in animated discussion about their first day on the ranch.
After her initial, unrequited outburst of
anger, Chanel has decided to act as if nothing is amiss. After all, this whole nightmare of coming out west has been one strange mood
after another where Preston's been concerned. She'd just be patient and wait till it
all passed and they were home in Connecticut once more. Hopefully.
however, is in a sulk - What a cheek
that Tex has. Warm, friendly, country-folk indeed! He seems a might TOO friendly.
Chanel: Preston dear, what IS the matter?
At this moment Bertha reappears, heading in the direction
of her house. Spotting Preston she stops, turns and heads in the direction of the porch.
Bertha: Well H-e-l-l-o, stranger. You new in these
parts? She winks a conspiratorial
Preston (still feeling aggrieved about Chanels
supposed affair) perks up and says
brightly, Hello, yes we arrived yesterday!
Chanel, clearly more than a little annoyed at
yet another attempt by this ... this floozy to flirt with her husband, turns an alarming
shade of crimson.
Bertha (giving Preston a lingering glance from head to toe)
says You really must come round some time and see me.
Preston: (with great force) I will
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