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FAN FICTION
"Whacked Out West"
Chapters 1 thru 3


Chapters
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Chapter One
-- by Jenny Curtis --

Opening titles: as the credits and theme roll we see a montage alternating town and country.

Shot one: Cary Grant as Preston Suits, an advertising executive leaving his suburban Connecticut Blandingís type dream house on his way to work. His wife, Maureen OíHara, as Chanel Suits, is having difficulty combing their daughter, Lucindaís (played by Virginia Weidler) snarly hair. She keeps getting one comb after another caught irretrievably in Lucyís long locks. Meanwhile Prestonís coffee boils over and he takes Lucyís glass of milk and school paper out the door instead of his coffee and paper.

Shot two: Gary Cooper as Tex Arkana, the owner of a Dude ranch near Cody, Wyoming, is sitting in his frontier-style kitchen watching the sun rise. His cook, Ella, (played by May Robson) a woman of considerable years and girth, hands him a steaming cup of fresh coffee off the hearth. He smiles as he sips and peruses the latest issue of Animal Husbandry Monthly. He turns the magazine sideways and a centerfold drops down, which the audience doesnít see, but according to Texís facial expression must be quite interesting.

Shot three: Preston running after a subway train.

Shot four: Tex running after a steer whoís escaped from the corral.

Shot five: Preston jostled with commuters crowded on a subway train as he distractedly reads his daughterís book report on The Life and Times of Buffalo Bill Cody.

Shot six: Tex jostled in the corral of large docile cows as he distractedly feeds vitamin drops to a calf.

Shot seven: Preston arrives at the office fifteen minutes late. His secretary hands him his agenda as he rushes to his desk, under the glaring eye of his boss, Mr. Twitterman, (played by Roland Young) who is angrily gesticulating at the clock.

Shot eight: Tex ropes a calf in the meadow, under the glaring eye of an angry bull about to charge.

Scene one: The Manhattan Advertising Agency of Twitterman and Bitterman. Preston is seen through the open door of his office, pacing and talking into a tape recorder. "The jingle for the jam should go something like, (singing) Johnsonís Jam is a joy for every girl and boy/ put it on your toast/ it really is the most/ something something, something, Johnsonís JamÖ"

Secretary: (answering the phone) No, Iím sorry, Mr. Suits is in a erÖmeeting right now. He canít sing, I mean he canít be disturbed. May I ask whoís calling? Oh hello, Mrs. Suits. I didnít recognize your voice. Oh I see, youíve got a comb in your mouth, well that makes sense. Oh, yes, Iíll put you through right away. (Into intercom) Mrs. Suits on line one, sir.

Preston: (into tape recorder) Hello darling, how are you? (Switching to phone) Hello, Darling, how are you? No, I was just working on that Jam Jingle. Not Jetsonís, Johnsonís. Well whatís the trouble? Lucyís what? Well I donít know, donít you use peanut butter or something to get out those kind of jams? Jam? No not jam, decidedly not jam, dear. Not even I would recommend putting Johnsonís Jam in Lucyís hair. Why not just take her to the hair dressers? Well sheís quite late enough for school already. Iíve got it. Olive oil. Yes, I know sheís not a salad, Chanel darling, but that might work.

(Intercom buzzes)

One moment darling, Iíve got another call. (He cups the receiver and hollers) Agnes, put Mrs. Suits on hold, please, and patch through that other call. Hello, Mr. Johnson, I was just finishing that jingle. Oh yes sir, would you like to hear it? Iíve got it on the tape recorder. One moment while I get it set up, sir. (cupping the receiver again) Agnes, put Mr. Johnson on hold please! Oh darling, youíre still on the line. I see. Oh dear. (He is talking with the phone under his chin, while fumbling with the tape recorder. He hits "record" instead of "rewind.") No dear Olive OIL, olive OIL not olive brine. Darling I simply have to go. Okay, I will, I will. Goodbye. (He hangs up the receiver.) Agnes, patch through Mr. Johnson! Hello Mr. Johnson. Sorry about the wait, ah technical difficulties you know. Alright, here goes, (he holds the receiver up to the tape recorder and hits "play)

Prestonís voice on recorder: OLIVE OIL, OLIVE OIL not Olive Brine. Darling, I simply have to go. Okay, I will, I willó(Preston cuts it off)

Preston: Sorry, sir. Yes, of course I realize that itís jam not olive oil that weíre selling. You see I accidentally taped over the jingle with part of this phone call to my wife. No, sir, weíre not Italian, why do you ask? Well perhaps I could just sing a bit of the jingle for you Mr. Johnson. (singing) Johnsonís Jamís a joy. (His voice going out of key) Sorry Iíll start over. Johnsonís jamís a joy for every girl and boy/put it on your toast/ it really is the most/something, something, something Johnsonís Jam. No sir, the something, something, bit I havenít quite come up with yet. Of course, Iíll let you know right away as soon as I do. Yes, Mr. Johnson. Goodbye. (He hangs up exasperated. And begins to sing loudly in a bold operatic baritone) Put it in your hair/and your underwear, something, something, something Johnsonís Jam!

Secretary: (quietly into the phone) Midtown travel agency? Yes, this is Mr. Suitsí office calling. Will you send over those brochures, right away. I think itís time Mr. Suits planned his vacation.


Chapter Two
-- by Derna Simpson --

Preston sits at his desk, partly obscured from view by a geranium in full bloom. He taps his pen distractedly on the plants pot whilst gazing off through the foliage into the distance... His pen beats out the rhythm of the Johnson's Jam jingle he has been working on, over and over and over. Suddenly, he blinks back into focus and sits bolt upright in his chair. He clears his throat and begins to sing

'Johnson's Jams a joy for every girl and boy / put it on your toast / it really is the most / Its a tasty treat the whole family will eat - Johnson's Jam!'

He waves his hands in the air and looks dead pleased with himself as he addresses the geranium: Well?? (no reaction from the plant) Aw c'mon, I'm trying! Have you got any better ideas? (the plant's leaves flutter in the breeze from the open window).

His secretary enters the room in the middle of this monologue and stops wide-eyed, looking from the plant to Mr. Suits. She is laden down with brochures. She coughs quietly and Preston momentarily tries to hide behind the geranium then, as she dumps the brochures on his desk, he peeks over the plant with an embarrassed grin on his face.

Secretary: (humoring him) Has the plant got any ideas?

Preston: (coughing) I was just... You know...batting a few ideas around.

Secretary: (Dumping her burden on his desk) Perhaps these will help take your mind off it for a while, you're just trying too hard.

Preston: (looking interested, lifts the top copy) What are they?

Secretary: Have a look...(and she leaves the office hurriedly, giving the geranium a worried glance).

Preston: (waving the brochure at the geranium) Look! They're trying to get rid of me now. (He slaps the brochure down and sits back in his chair. Lucinda's book report catches his eye and he distractedly picks it up and begins to flick through the pages until he comes upon a picture of a rancher lounging on the front porch of a country house.

__________________

The picture becomes full screen and the rancher transforms into Tex dozing on his front porch. In the distance hoof beats approach and as they grow louder a horse and rider come into view. The two come to a screeching halt in front of Tex's porch and as he rises from his slumber the rider throws himself from the horses back and bounds up the steps. It is Yancey (played by Richard Dix) who hands Tex some papers and the two of them go inside.

__________________

Sometime later Tex sits at a rough wooden table perusing some papers. The camera picks out a property advertisement for a suburban townhouse, the image of the Suit's home.

__________________

Preston sits in a large leather chair, leaning on his desk and looking down at something, out of shot, sitting on the table in front of him. His brow is furrowed and his head rests on his hand. As the camera pans out, we see a small prickly cactus placed in the middle of his desk.

Preston: Now, you see, its like this dear... You know how we've always talked about a holiday out West?...Well (he gulps), we are going to have that holiday! Not just two weeks of sightseeing and country hospitality either, but...(he stops and clicks his fingers in frustration) No, no, that's not right. I have to break it to her gently. (He waves his finger at the cactus) You're not being much help either! (Then he yelps in pain as he prods the cactus and gets a needle embedded in his finger.)

Chanel: (appearing at the door in response to his yell) What is it dear?

Preston: (with his finger in his mouth) Come in, sit down my sweet.

Chanel: (pulling at his arm in concern) What is it? What did you do?

Preston: (Pawing her hands away and pushing her down into a chair, perches on the corner of his desk) Now dear, I want you to listen to what I have to tell you. Don't interrupt! Just listen, and listen to it all.

Chanel: (makes herself comfortable) Yes dear, go on

Preston Now, the thing is, I've been talking it over with... (he starts to wave his hand towards the cactus and then changes his mind) Well, never mind, I've just been thinking that we should... well, I need a break from Johnson's Jam, and Terry's Toffee, and Pope's Peanut butter bars! So, I thought we could go West for a while. And...well...you see... (he tails off, gulps, and then blurts out) I've sold this house and..

Chanel: (stops him dead) YOU WHAT!

Preston: Now dear, listen.

Chanel: You sold our home from under us!? Preston, what are you thinking about?

Preston grasps her by the shoulders and places her firmly back in the chair. He puts his finger to his lips and she is silent: I have sorted everything, don't worry, I have bought a nice big ranch with livestock and everything. No more sitting in that rotten office singing silly jingles and driving myself nuts trying to sell all that rubbish. (His eyes take on that rose tinted dreamy look again) Just miles and miles of wholesome country air, no traffic, no fumes, and no Johnson's Jam!

Chanel: (In exasperation) Preston!

She stands, glares at her husband, and exits the room slamming the door behind her.


Chapter Three
-- by Aileen Mackintosh --

Sometime later and we hear the sound of voices, as the door opens and the camera pans round we see Chanel talking animatedly to Suits Yewell (played by Walter Slezak) Prestonís cousin, the family Lawyer.

Chanel: I canít believe it, he just upped and sold the house, not a word to me or Lucinda, he just. he just... (She stops absolutely speechless and shakes her hands in the air.) AND BOUGHT A RANCH.

Suits: Now calm down Chanel. Did he give you any more details? Price? Location? Anything?

Chanel: (taking no notice of Suits) With livestock in the middle of nowhere... Ohhhh! (She stops and looks at Suits as if noticing him for the first time.) Iím sorry Suits, I just had to get that out of my system. Thanks for listening.

Suits: Youíre welcome. Chanel darling, everything will be just fine, you leave it to me. Iíll talk to Preston and see if I can knock some sense into him. It might not be too late after all.

Chanel: Oh, you are a sweetie (She gives him a quick peck on the cheek as she leaves his office.)

Suits: (With an odd look in his eye and the trace of a crooked smile on his lips.) Hmmm..... maybe now is my chance. (He picks up the telephone and dials a number.) Hello. Hello, Mack? Yewell..

Mack: Fine thanks, now who is this?

Suits: I said, ĎYewell,í NOT, You Well!

Mack: FINE. Look who is this ?

Suits: Yewell, SUITS! Yewell! (A note of frustration creeps into his voice.)

Mack: Well why didnít you say so! How are you Case (He uses Suitsí college nickname.) What can I do for you?

Suits: Well, I have a small proposition for you. Hereís how it goes.

********

The picture fades and the action switches to the Suits Familyís (soon to be Ex) home. Preston is talking excitedly to Lucinda and Chanel, who are remaining silent, mainly because they cannot get a word in edgeways. Chanel has a look that could turn the sun to ice and Lucinda has got a stubborn I-will-not-go look on her face.

Preston: ..Itíll be great! All those wide open spaces, fresh air, just what weíve always longed for. Just Imagine, Chanel, you can have horses, and sleep under the stars, and have campfires and, and ... and ... (His face has that dreamy look with a wide smile from ear to ear.)

Chanel interrupts: Preston, have you considered Lucyís schooling and all the inconveniences. You havenít even told us exactly where this ranch is?

Preston: Ahhh ... Ummm ... Errr ... (He is at a momentary loss for words, then he recovers and adds in a bright tone.) That isnít important right now. We have to get packing! We have to be out of here by the end of next week.

Lucy & Chanel: (In unison.) A WEEK!!!!!!


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