-- by Jenny Curtis
Opening titles: as the
credits and theme roll we see a montage alternating town and country.
Shot one: Cary Grant as Preston
Suits, an advertising executive leaving his suburban Connecticut Blandingís
type dream house on his way to work. His wife, Maureen OíHara, as Chanel
Suits, is having difficulty combing their daughter, Lucindaís (played by
Virginia Weidler) snarly hair. She keeps getting one comb after another
caught irretrievably in Lucyís long locks.
Meanwhile Prestonís coffee boils over and he takes Lucyís glass of milk
and school paper out the door instead of his coffee and paper.
Shot two: Gary Cooper as Tex Arkana, the
owner of a Dude ranch near Cody, Wyoming, is sitting in his frontier-style
kitchen watching the sun rise. His cook, Ella, (played by May Robson) a
woman of considerable years and girth, hands him a steaming cup of fresh
coffee off the hearth. He smiles as he sips and peruses the latest issue of
Animal Husbandry Monthly. He turns the magazine sideways and a centerfold
drops down, which the audience doesnít see, but according to Texís
facial expression must be quite interesting.
Shot three: Preston running after a
Shot four: Tex running after a steer whoís
escaped from the corral.
Shot five: Preston jostled with
commuters crowded on a subway train as he distractedly reads his daughterís
book report on The Life and Times of Buffalo Bill Cody.
Shot six: Tex jostled in the corral of
large docile cows as he distractedly feeds vitamin drops to a calf.
Shot seven: Preston arrives at the
office fifteen minutes late. His secretary hands him his agenda as he rushes
to his desk, under the glaring eye of his boss, Mr. Twitterman, (played by
Roland Young) who is angrily gesticulating at the clock.
Shot eight: Tex ropes a calf in the
meadow, under the glaring eye of an angry bull about to charge.
Scene one: The Manhattan Advertising
Agency of Twitterman and Bitterman. Preston is seen through the open door of
his office, pacing and talking into a tape recorder. "The jingle for
the jam should go something like, (singing) Johnsonís Jam is a joy for
every girl and boy/ put it on your toast/ it really is the most/ something
something, something, Johnsonís JamÖ"
Secretary: (answering the phone) No, Iím
sorry, Mr. Suits is in a erÖmeeting right now. He canít sing, I mean he
canít be disturbed. May I ask whoís calling? Oh hello, Mrs. Suits. I
didnít recognize your voice. Oh I see, youíve got a comb in your mouth,
well that makes sense. Oh, yes, Iíll put you through right away. (Into
intercom) Mrs. Suits on line one, sir.
Preston: (into tape recorder) Hello
darling, how are you? (Switching to phone) Hello, Darling, how are you? No,
I was just working on that Jam Jingle. Not Jetsonís, Johnsonís. Well
whatís the trouble? Lucyís what? Well I donít know, donít you use
peanut butter or something to get out those kind of jams? Jam? No not jam,
decidedly not jam, dear. Not even I would recommend putting Johnsonís Jam
in Lucyís hair. Why not just take her to the hair dressers? Well sheís
quite late enough for school already. Iíve got it. Olive oil. Yes, I know
sheís not a salad, Chanel darling, but that might work.
One moment darling, Iíve got another
call. (He cups the receiver and hollers) Agnes, put Mrs. Suits on hold,
please, and patch through that other call. Hello, Mr. Johnson, I was just
finishing that jingle. Oh yes sir, would you like to hear it? Iíve got it
on the tape recorder. One moment while I get it set up, sir. (cupping the
receiver again) Agnes, put Mr. Johnson on hold please! Oh darling, youíre
still on the line. I see. Oh dear. (He is talking with the phone under his
chin, while fumbling with the tape recorder. He hits "record"
instead of "rewind.") No dear Olive OIL, olive OIL not olive
brine. Darling I simply have to go. Okay, I will, I will. Goodbye. (He hangs
up the receiver.) Agnes, patch through Mr. Johnson! Hello Mr. Johnson. Sorry
about the wait, ah technical difficulties you know. Alright, here goes, (he
holds the receiver up to the tape recorder and hits "play)
Prestonís voice on recorder: OLIVE
OIL, OLIVE OIL not Olive Brine. Darling, I simply have to go. Okay, I will,
I willó(Preston cuts it off)
Preston: Sorry, sir. Yes, of
course I realize that itís jam not olive oil that weíre selling. You see
taped over the jingle with part of this phone call to my wife. No, sir, weíre
not Italian, why do you ask? Well perhaps I could just sing a bit of the
jingle for you Mr. Johnson. (singing) Johnsonís Jamís a joy. (His voice
going out of key) Sorry Iíll start over. Johnsonís jamís a joy for
every girl and boy/put it on your toast/ it really is the most/something,
something, something Johnsonís Jam. No sir, the something, something, bit
I havenít quite come up with yet. Of course, Iíll let you know right
away as soon as I do. Yes, Mr. Johnson. Goodbye. (He hangs up exasperated.
And begins to sing loudly in a bold operatic baritone) Put it in your
hair/and your underwear, something, something, something Johnsonís Jam!
Secretary: (quietly into
the phone) Midtown travel agency? Yes, this is Mr. Suitsí office calling.
Will you send over those brochures, right away. I think itís time Mr.
Suits planned his vacation.
-- by Derna
Preston sits at his desk,
partly obscured from view by a geranium in full bloom. He taps his pen
distractedly on the plants pot whilst gazing off through the foliage into
the distance... His pen beats out the rhythm of the Johnson's Jam jingle he
has been working on, over and over and over. Suddenly, he blinks back into
focus and sits bolt upright in his chair. He clears his throat and begins to
'Johnson's Jams a joy for every girl and
boy / put it on your toast / it really is the most / Its a tasty treat the
whole family will eat - Johnson's Jam!'
He waves his hands in the air and looks
dead pleased with himself as he addresses the geranium: Well?? (no reaction
from the plant) Aw c'mon, I'm trying! Have you got any better ideas? (the
plant's leaves flutter in the breeze from the open window).
His secretary enters the room in
the middle of this monologue and stops wide-eyed, looking from the plant to Mr. Suits. She is laden down
with brochures. She coughs quietly and Preston momentarily tries to hide behind the
geranium then, as she dumps the brochures on his desk, he peeks over the plant with an
embarrassed grin on his face.
Secretary: (humoring him) Has the plant
got any ideas?
Preston: (coughing) I was just... You
know...batting a few ideas around.
Secretary: (Dumping her burden on his
desk) Perhaps these will help take your mind off it for a while, you're just
trying too hard.
Preston: (looking interested, lifts the
top copy) What are they?
Secretary: Have a look...(and she leaves
the office hurriedly, giving the geranium a worried glance).
Preston: (waving the brochure at
the geranium) Look! They're trying to get rid of me now. (He slaps the
brochure down and sits back in his chair. Lucinda's book report catches his
eye and he distractedly picks it up and
begins to flick through the pages until he comes upon a picture of a rancher lounging on
the front porch of a country house.
The picture becomes full screen and the
rancher transforms into Tex dozing on his front porch. In the distance hoof
beats approach and as they grow louder a horse and rider come into view. The
two come to a screeching halt in front of Tex's porch and as he rises from
his slumber the rider throws himself from the horses back and bounds up the
steps. It is Yancey (played by Richard Dix) who hands Tex some papers and
the two of them go inside.
Sometime later Tex sits at a rough
wooden table perusing some papers. The camera picks out a property
advertisement for a suburban townhouse, the image of the Suit's home.
Preston sits in a large leather chair,
leaning on his desk and looking down at something, out of shot, sitting on
the table in front of him. His brow is furrowed and his head rests on his
hand. As the camera pans out, we see a small prickly cactus placed in the
middle of his desk.
Preston: Now, you see, its like this
dear... You know how we've always talked about a holiday out West?...Well
(he gulps), we are going to have that holiday! Not just two weeks of
sightseeing and country hospitality either, but...(he stops and clicks his
fingers in frustration) No, no, that's not right. I have to break it to her
gently. (He waves his finger at the cactus) You're not being much help
either! (Then he yelps in pain as he prods the cactus and gets a needle
embedded in his finger.)
Chanel: (appearing at the door in
response to his yell) What is it dear?
Preston: (with his finger in his mouth)
Come in, sit down my sweet.
Chanel: (pulling at his arm in concern)
What is it? What did you do?
Preston: (Pawing her hands away and
pushing her down into a chair, perches on the corner of his desk) Now dear,
I want you to listen to what I have to tell you. Don't interrupt! Just
listen, and listen to it all.
Chanel: (makes herself comfortable) Yes
dear, go on
Preston Now, the thing is, I've
been talking it over with... (he starts to wave his hand towards the cactus
and then changes his mind) Well, never mind, I've
just been thinking that we should... well, I need a break from Johnson's Jam, and Terry's
Toffee, and Pope's Peanut butter bars! So, I thought we could go West for a while.
And...well...you see... (he tails off, gulps, and then blurts out) I've sold this house
Chanel: (stops him dead) YOU WHAT!
Preston: Now dear, listen.
Chanel: You sold our home from under
us!? Preston, what are you thinking about?
Preston grasps her by the shoulders and
places her firmly back in the chair. He puts his finger to his lips and she
is silent: I have sorted everything, don't worry, I have bought a nice big
ranch with livestock and everything. No more sitting in that rotten office
singing silly jingles and driving myself nuts trying to sell all that
rubbish. (His eyes take on that rose tinted dreamy look again) Just miles
and miles of wholesome country air, no traffic, no fumes, and no Johnson's
Chanel: (In exasperation) Preston!
She stands, glares at her
husband, and exits the room slamming the door behind her.
-- by Aileen
Sometime later and we hear
the sound of voices, as the door opens and the camera pans round we see
Chanel talking animatedly to Suits Yewell (played by Walter Slezak) Prestonís
cousin, the family Lawyer.
Chanel: I canít believe it, he just
upped and sold the house, not a word to me or Lucinda, he just. he just...
(She stops absolutely speechless and shakes her hands in the air.) AND
BOUGHT A RANCH.
Suits: Now calm down Chanel. Did he give
you any more details? Price? Location? Anything?
Chanel: (taking no notice of Suits) With
livestock in the middle of nowhere... Ohhhh! (She stops and looks at Suits
as if noticing him for the first time.) Iím sorry Suits, I just had to get
that out of my system. Thanks for listening.
Suits: Youíre welcome. Chanel darling,
everything will be just fine, you leave it to me. Iíll talk to Preston and
see if I can knock some sense into him. It might not be too late after all.
Chanel: Oh, you are a sweetie (She gives
him a quick peck on the cheek as she leaves his office.)
Suits: (With an odd look in his eye and
the trace of a crooked smile on his lips.) Hmmm..... maybe now is my chance.
(He picks up the telephone and dials a number.) Hello. Hello, Mack? Yewell..
Mack: Fine thanks, now who is this?
Suits: I said, ĎYewell,í NOT, You
Mack: FINE. Look who is this ?
Suits: Yewell, SUITS! Yewell! (A note of
frustration creeps into his voice.)
Mack: Well why didnít you say so! How
are you Case (He uses Suitsí college nickname.) What can I do for you?
Suits: Well, I have a small proposition
for you. Hereís how it goes.
The picture fades and the action
switches to the Suits Familyís (soon to be Ex) home. Preston is talking
excitedly to Lucinda and Chanel, who are remaining silent, mainly because
they cannot get a word in edgeways. Chanel has a look that could turn the
sun to ice and Lucinda has got a stubborn I-will-not-go look on her face.
Preston: ..Itíll be great! All those
wide open spaces, fresh air, just what weíve always longed for. Just
Imagine, Chanel, you can have horses, and sleep under the stars, and have
campfires and, and ... and ... (His face has that dreamy look with a wide
smile from ear to ear.)
Chanel interrupts: Preston, have you
considered Lucyís schooling and all the inconveniences. You havenít even
told us exactly where this ranch is?
Preston: Ahhh ... Ummm ... Errr ... (He
is at a momentary loss for words, then he recovers and adds in a bright
tone.) That isnít important right now. We have to get packing! We have to
be out of here by the end of next week.
Lucy & Chanel: (In
unison.) A WEEK!!!!!!
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