-- by P.J. Thum --
The next morning. A shot of a rooster crowing as
the sun rises behind it. The scene pans and stops on a window. Through it we see Chanel
sleeping beatifically. As the sunlight falls on her face she stirs. She slowly sits up in
bed, yawns, rubs her eyes, and stretches. We see Preston still fast asleep beside her. She
reaches over and gives him a shove.
"Preston, dear, wake up
She frowns, and shoves him again. "Preston! Wake
Still no response.
Dissolve to Preston in his dreams. Slow motion. He's
running through a field, hand in hand with Chanel and Lucy. The sun is warm; a cool, fresh
breeze is blowing. Tex and Mr. Twitterman both appear running happily alongside, then trip
and fall on their faces; Preston and family laugh uproariously and run on.
Dissolve back to room
. Outside, we hear a tractor
start to splutter. It clears its throat once or twice, coughs, then opens up with a huge
belch like Pavarotti after a can of Coca-Cola. The noise fills the room. Preston is still
sleeping like a baby.
"Preston! Wake up!" Chanel has gotten out of bed
and has gone over the Preston's side of the bed, and is shaking him. "Preston!"
At this point, we can hear lots of assorted farm noises
piling in on top of the tractor's belching. Voices yelling cheerfully ("Howdy
neighbour!" "Good mornin'!"), cows mooing (Moooooo. Mooo?
Mooo!) , chickens
cackling (bukbukBukbukBUK!! Bukbukbuk?), and the tractor is still going at it.
Chanel is shaking Preston vigorously. "Preston!!! Wake
up!!!!!!" she yells.
At this point, in the middle of all the noise, Lucy runs
"Oh Daddy! Mummy! Isn't this fantastic! Tex let me
milk a cow this morning!! And he says I can help him with the chores, too!! And I made
friends with Bessie the cow, and the chickens, and the--" She babbles on and on and
on, skipping around the room.
"Preston!!!!!" Chanel, by this time, is
practically jumping on the bed. She is at her wits' end. Preston is still sleeping
peacefully, smiling in his sweet dreams.
All of the sudden, the whole room goes oddly silent. This
silence is broken by the soft chiming of an alarm clock. Preston promptly opens his eyes,
blinks twice, switches off the alarm clock, and sits up in bed. Seeing his wife, he turns
and grins at her. "Good morning dear!" He bounds out of bed and runs about
getting dressed. Preston starts talking excitedly. "Isn't this wonderful? Waking up
to the fresh country air, the sunshine, the sounds of nature!"
Chanel, disbelieving at what just happened, sinks exhausted
into a chair as sounds from outside pick up again. Preston stops his dashing about to look
"Come on sleepy head! This is no time to be resting!
(Scoops up Lucy) Come on dreamboat, let's go!" Preston and Lucy bound out the door as
the camera lingers one last time on the exhausted Chanel.
Breakfast. Chanel nibbles on her toast as Preston and Lucy
happily chew on theirs.
"Coffee dear?" Preston offers.
Chanel looks up, glaring at Preston. She is about to say
something when there is a knock on the kitchen door (the one leading outside).
Tex pokes his head in. "Good
"Hello Neighbour!" exclaims Preston, turning
around. "Oh, it's you," he mutters. As the smile fades from his face, a smile
appears on Chanel's.
"Hello Tex!" She says, greeting him.
"Good Mornin' Ma'am. Youre sure
fine this mornin'. Did ya sleep well?"
"Fine, thank you, Tex." Chanel smiles.
"That's nice," he smiles in return.
"Good morning Tex," says Preston, planting
himself firmly in Chanel's line of sight.
"Good mornin' Mr. Suits! Ah y'ready for your primer on
farm life?" Tex asks
"Whenever you are, Tex." Preston replies.
"Good. Meet me out front in five minutes." Tex
nods, grins and withdraws.
Preston turns from the door and sits back down at the table
to finish his coffee. "There's something about that fellow I don't like!"
Chanel giggles, a mischievous glint in her eye.
"What's the matter Preston? You're not a little jealous of Mr. Tall Handsome Cowboy
type there are you?"
"What! Jealous? Me? Of him?? Don't be ridiculous. He's
nothing more than an ... an earthworm , that's what he is!"
"Daddy -" Lucy interjects.
"Not now, dear. Digging up soil all the time, putting
it back. I could think rings around him! Don't forget, I went to Harvard!" Preston
"And I went to Radcliffe. I know. That's how we met,
remember?" Chanel smiles fondly.
"Daddy! You-" Lucy tries again.
"One moment Lucy. Of course I remember, dear. Still,
if you think that any silly old cowpoke is going to bother me, you're sadly mistaken! He's
got dirt coming out his ears! I'm cultured, refined! I'm above all that!" He stands
up and marches off in the direction of the door, dragging the tablecloth and the entire
contents of the table with him onto the floor in a loud *CRASH*!!
"Daddy," Lucy groans, "You tucked the
tablecloth into your belt when you sat down just now."
Chanel is laughing her head off. "Calm? Refined?
Unperturbed?" she wheezes out in between gasps of laughter.
Preston shoots her a look, stands up, brushes himself off,
and with as much dignity as he can muster, walks out the door as Chanel continues to laugh
Musical Montage: as the western theme from the opening
credits return, this time in a faster, jauntier tempo, we see Preston and Tex as Tex shows
Preston the ropes of running and handling a farm in preparation for Preston running his
Shot one: Preston is in the most ridiculous farm clothes
ever. Mismatched colours, a large straw hat, bright and shiny new overalls (in contrast to
Tex's, which are faded and worn) which are too short for him, revealing polka dot socks.
Tex demonstrating how to milk a cow. Preston nods
impatiently as he watches. He sits down to try it on his own, but for some inexplicable
reason the cow panics and sends Preston tumbling into the hay with the bucket of milk all
Shot of him looking annoyed with himself.
Shot of Chanel and Lucy, watching, as Chanel laughs and
Lucy rolls her eyes at her Dad.
Shot two: Tex and Preston collecting eggs. On one side of
the barn, Tex is calmly picking up eggs and putting them in his basket. On the other,
Preston is fighting a running battle with the hens as he struggles to pick up the eggs.
Forced back step by step, defending himself with his basket, in the end he is sent running
out the barn, chased by angry chickens.
Shot of Chanel doubled over laughing and Lucy shaking her
Shot three: Shot of Preston digging a ditch. He's got the
ditch reasonably wide and about a foot deep, with a small pile of earth beside him.
Looking winded but proud of himself, he wipes the sweat of his brow, and turns to Tex
behind him - and does a double take as Tex's ditch is three times as deep and his pile of
earth is three times as high!
Shot four: Tex showing Preston how to ride a horse. Tex
tries to show Preston how to handle the reins, but Preston waves him away and ineptly
mounts the horse. He begins riding along, merrily, then waves to Chanel and Lucy who are
following at a safe distance on their own horses. Preston lifts both hands in a
look-at-me-no-hands gesture, grinning and waving. Suddenly the horse bolts and Preston
panics. As he clings on to the horse's neck for dear life, Tex, Chanel and Lucy give
As the music comes to an end, we see Preston, hanging dazed
from the lower branch of a tree as his horse grazes contentedly nearby. Tex, Chanel and
Lucy ride up to him.
"Dear! Preston darling, are you alright!" Chanel
jumps off her horse and runs over.
"I'm fine, dear," says Preston, dazed. "Just
get the number of that bus which just hit me won't you please?"
With Tex's help, Preston is taken off the tree and onto the
ground. All this time, Preston keeps insisting that he is perfectly fine, they should go
on, he's having a wonderful time, etc. etc.
"Ya sure you're awlright Mr. Suits?" asks Tex,
scratching his head.
"I'm fine!" Preston insists vehemently.
"Alright, ah gotta go round up some of mah steer
before it gets too late. Don't want Jenny, Derna, Donna, Aileen, Laura, Helen and Debbie -
those are my lovely Jersey heifers -- to get lonely waiting for Archie Leach to come home
"Archie Leach?" asks Preston.
"My prized bull. Those heifers love Archie. Now excuse
me folks, ah gotta go. Watch out for yerself Mr. Suits, ah'll see ya at dinner."
"Archie Leach," comments Preston.
"Nice name for a bull."
-- by Jenny Curtis --
Tex and Chanel are on the front porch drinking coffee. From
the open window you hear Prestons groans as Doc Nockin bandages up his ankle.
Tex: Sit down here and dont fret. Hell be just
fine. Everybody gets thrown now and again. Its just the way of it.
Chanel: Even you, Tex? I have a hard time believing that.
Tex: Ive had my screwball moments myself. Ive
not always been a straight-faced western type. Used to play the tuba, but that was back
Chanel: The Tuba? Indeed.
Tex: No Deeds. That was my name, when I went to town.
Anyway, as I was sayin, anyone can fall off a horse. All it takes is a momentary lapse in
coordination. (as he says this she is still pacing. She trips on a loose board and falls
Chanel: Think Ill sit down after all.
Tex: You are stubborn, woman. (He lends a hand to pull her
up. There is a spark of attraction set-off by the touch. Followed by a mutual blush.) Say
you got some sun, there. Ya oughta get yerself a bonnet.
Chanel: Bonnet yourself, Tex. I think your face is red,
Tex: I dont know if Id look good in gingham.
But I guess I gotta wear my hat more, or else be more particular who I help up off the
floor. (The cook appears in the doorway)
Cook: Chanel, them pies you put in are done. Tex, you wanna
give me a hand with testing them out?
Tex: Pie! You dont have to ask me twice about that.
(He blows past her into the kitchen. Cook follows.)
(Chanel is left alone on the porch. Her horse,
has come loose from the hitching post and lazily wanders over across the yard to her.)
Chanel: Loverboy! What are you doing on your own? Oh
wheres Tex when you need him? Off with MY pies.
(Camera switches to the bedroom where Doc Nockin has just
finished Prestons ankle. He packs the bandages back into his bag.)
Doc: Well, dont dance Swan Lake anytime in the next
couple of days and youll be right as rain.
Preston: Ive always been more of a Nutcracker
ballerina, anyway. See ya Doc. Thanks.
(Doc Exists. Preston leans back into the pillow to nap. He
hears Chanel exclaiming through the open window, "Oh, Loverboy! Oh my!" His eyes
nearly pop out of his head and he inches closer to the window to hear.)
Chanel (through the window): What am I going to do with
you, naughty boy. Now cut that out and hold still so I can get my arms around you.
(Preston leans closer, but is prevented from seeing much
since his leg is awkwardly placed on top of a big fluffy pillow. From his vantage point he
can only see a bit of the porch. Chanel and the mysterious "Loverboy" are just
out of his view. He slams his fists on the pillow in frustration.
The camera switches to Chanels vantage point where we
see that she is struggling to catch Loverboys halter from atop the porch. He
playfully walks forward and nuzzles her face. She laughs a tinkling giggle. The camera
switches back to Preston. His eyes narrow to slits of rage.)
Chanel (Through the window): Oh,
Loverboy, cut that out
youre drooling on my neck.
(Preston stuffs the pillow in his mouth and screams into
it. We hear a muffled bellow as he bounces up and down on his hands.)
(Camera switches to Chanel. She walks down off the porch,
grabs Loverboys halter and attempts to climb up on him. He playfully takes a
solitary step backwards and cocks his ears--the Equine equivalent of Asta.)
(Camera switches back to Preston. Hes pulled the
pillow out from under his foot. He approaches the window about to catch an eyeful that
would end this silly 3s Company misunderstanding when
Chanel (through the window): I dont understand. A
minute ago you wanted me to climb on top of you.
(Upon hearing this Preston loses his
precarious balance and topples over. He screams in pain. Bangs his head on a nearby
dresser and passes out from his double wound.)
-- by Tricia --
Scene cuts to Chanel adjusting Loverboys
halter while some extremely loud and sultry music begins blares from the neighbors
Victrola. (Concurrent to Prestons fall)
Chanel thinks to herself how obnoxious it is.
Tex (scurrying out of the house) - Hey there darlin
thought you might be interested in seein my Long Horn Fog Horn Gypsy Bull Riding
Solid Gold belt buckle. I won this in Elephant Butte years back, aint she a
beaut? (holding it up for her to see)
Chanel Approves with a smile. Whos causing the
(music ends with a scratch)
Tex (grimly) My neighbor.
Approaching from the corner in a tight outfit, full make-up
and hat is Bertha Arkana (played by Mae West) Shes clearly enamored with Tex.
Bertha Hey sugah, (ignoring
yad like some Fried Chicken. Fresh outta the cooker. Whats that ya
wearin, smell it from here? Give me a kiss.
Tex (silent, blushing and looking uncomfortable)
Chanel Looks at Bertha with disgust.
Bertha - Aw, thats ok . I have enough love for the
two of us. (Bertha gives Tex a kiss on the cheek leaving an enormous red impression)
Bertha - Bye sugar. (Bertha eases down the path from which
Chanel Why Ive never
. (stunned by
Berthas forward and inappropriate behavior.)
Tex Shes crazy bout all the men in town.
Personally, Im a bit scared of her.
Tex Lets forget about her. Today I think
Im going to wear this prize. (he pulls on the Long Horn Fog Horn belt with pride)
Chanel (dismissing her agitation with Bertha, Chanel
notices Tex forgot a belt loop on his jeans
and that its on backward. She lets it go and just smiles) - I better check on
Preston; its been awhile.
Tex - You better run along now. Wouldnt want the old
man getting jealous. (They both laugh nervously)
Chanel reties Loverboy, picks some fresh flowers for
Preston from a cutting garden and heads for the house. (forgetting about her pies) Just
inside she notices Preston passed out on the floor. (She exclaims) Oh! Tex! Hurry!
(Tex comes running in and they look down over Preston
whos slowly coming to)
Preston (Lying down dazed with blurred vision. He
can barely see Chanel and Tex looking down over him.)
Chanel - Preston, darling. Preston, sweetheart can you hear
Tex - Hey there feller. Hes comin round.
(hushed tone) Looks like my cousin Abner did after Berny knocked him clear across
"The Hungry Steers" full-length bar. Poor Abner, serves him right for
monkeying around with Bernys wife and all.
Preston (hears Texs comments and thrusts back
into reality. His eyes widen when he notices that deep red kiss on Texs face.)
Chanel Oh Darling, thank goodness
Tex (takes a step back and stretches)
Preston (when Tex stood tall Preston noticed his
belt on backward and the loop missing. He pushes himself up and readies himself and
mumbles) While a sick man lies in pain you
Oh, I cant believe this, this
always happens to the good ones. All the times I thought of straying, but no
resisted, I PERSEVERED. (face as red as a beet.)
Chanel What are you mumbling Preston? Tex, I think
hes delirious call the doc now!
Preston Im fine, everyone around heres a
little batty. Ask Loverboy whos delirious, you certainly got to know him
quite well. (Sarcastic)
Chanel What does Loverboy have to do with anything?
Why do you sound jealous? Hes just here to love and entertain me. You moved us here,
you knew I would need him sooner or later.
Preston (Eyes wide) Hmpf!
Chanel Oh darling, youre tired, youve
had a long day. Why dont you lie down? (guiding him back down) Ill bring you
some tea and
Preston (cutting in) I cant take this anymore!
(sitting up) You cant stand here and go on like this about that
wife-stealing, country bumpkin in front of me! No I wont stand for it!
For goodness sake, Preston! What are you saying?
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