The Ultimate Cary Grant Pages - www.carygrant.net

"Whacked Out West"
Chapters 7 thru 9

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Chapter Seven
-- by P.J. Thum --

The next morning. A shot of a rooster crowing as the sun rises behind it. The scene pans and stops on a window. Through it we see Chanel sleeping beatifically. As the sunlight falls on her face she stirs. She slowly sits up in bed, yawns, rubs her eyes, and stretches. We see Preston still fast asleep beside her. She reaches over and gives him a shove.

"Preston, dear, wake up…."

No response.

She frowns, and shoves him again. "Preston! Wake up!"

Still no response.

Dissolve to Preston in his dreams. Slow motion. He's running through a field, hand in hand with Chanel and Lucy. The sun is warm; a cool, fresh breeze is blowing. Tex and Mr. Twitterman both appear running happily alongside, then trip and fall on their faces; Preston and family laugh uproariously and run on.

Dissolve back to room…. Outside, we hear a tractor start to splutter. It clears its throat once or twice, coughs, then opens up with a huge belch like Pavarotti after a can of Coca-Cola. The noise fills the room. Preston is still sleeping like a baby.

"Preston! Wake up!" Chanel has gotten out of bed and has gone over the Preston's side of the bed, and is shaking him. "Preston!"

At this point, we can hear lots of assorted farm noises piling in on top of the tractor's belching. Voices yelling cheerfully ("Howdy neighbour!" "Good mornin'!"), cows mooing (Moooooo. Mooo? Mooo!) , chickens cackling (bukbukBukbukBUK!! Bukbukbuk?), and the tractor is still going at it.

Chanel is shaking Preston vigorously. "Preston!!! Wake up!!!!!!" she yells.

At this point, in the middle of all the noise, Lucy runs in, skipping.

"Oh Daddy! Mummy! Isn't this fantastic! Tex let me milk a cow this morning!! And he says I can help him with the chores, too!! And I made friends with Bessie the cow, and the chickens, and the--" She babbles on and on and on, skipping around the room.

"Preston!!!!!" Chanel, by this time, is practically jumping on the bed. She is at her wits' end. Preston is still sleeping peacefully, smiling in his sweet dreams.

All of the sudden, the whole room goes oddly silent. This silence is broken by the soft chiming of an alarm clock. Preston promptly opens his eyes, blinks twice, switches off the alarm clock, and sits up in bed. Seeing his wife, he turns and grins at her. "Good morning dear!" He bounds out of bed and runs about getting dressed. Preston starts talking excitedly. "Isn't this wonderful? Waking up to the fresh country air, the sunshine, the sounds of nature!"

Chanel, disbelieving at what just happened, sinks exhausted into a chair as sounds from outside pick up again. Preston stops his dashing about to look at her.

"Come on sleepy head! This is no time to be resting! (Scoops up Lucy) Come on dreamboat, let's go!" Preston and Lucy bound out the door as the camera lingers one last time on the exhausted Chanel.

Breakfast. Chanel nibbles on her toast as Preston and Lucy happily chew on theirs.

"Coffee dear?" Preston offers.


"More toast?"

Chanel looks up, glaring at Preston. She is about to say something when there is a knock on the kitchen door (the one leading outside).

Tex pokes his head in. "Good mornin'!" he cheerily exclaims.

"Hello Neighbour!" exclaims Preston, turning around. "Oh, it's you," he mutters. As the smile fades from his face, a smile appears on Chanel's.

"Hello Tex!" She says, greeting him.

"Good Mornin' Ma'am. You’re sure lookin' mighty fine this mornin'. Did ya sleep well?"

"Fine, thank you, Tex." Chanel smiles.

"That's nice," he smiles in return.

"Good morning Tex," says Preston, planting himself firmly in Chanel's line of sight.

"Good mornin' Mr. Suits! Ah y'ready for your primer on farm life?" Tex asks

"Whenever you are, Tex." Preston replies.

"Good. Meet me out front in five minutes." Tex nods, grins and withdraws.

Preston turns from the door and sits back down at the table to finish his coffee. "There's something about that fellow I don't like!"

Chanel giggles, a mischievous glint in her eye. "What's the matter Preston? You're not a little jealous of Mr. Tall Handsome Cowboy type there are you?"

"What! Jealous? Me? Of him?? Don't be ridiculous. He's nothing more than an ... an earthworm , that's what he is!"

"Daddy -" Lucy interjects.

"Not now, dear. Digging up soil all the time, putting it back. I could think rings around him! Don't forget, I went to Harvard!" Preston continues.

"And I went to Radcliffe. I know. That's how we met, remember?" Chanel smiles fondly.

"Daddy! You-" Lucy tries again.

"One moment Lucy. Of course I remember, dear. Still, if you think that any silly old cowpoke is going to bother me, you're sadly mistaken! He's got dirt coming out his ears! I'm cultured, refined! I'm above all that!" He stands up and marches off in the direction of the door, dragging the tablecloth and the entire contents of the table with him onto the floor in a loud *CRASH*!!

"Daddy," Lucy groans, "You tucked the tablecloth into your belt when you sat down just now."

Chanel is laughing her head off. "Calm? Refined? Unperturbed?" she wheezes out in between gasps of laughter.

Preston shoots her a look, stands up, brushes himself off, and with as much dignity as he can muster, walks out the door as Chanel continues to laugh helplessly.

Musical Montage: as the western theme from the opening credits return, this time in a faster, jauntier tempo, we see Preston and Tex as Tex shows Preston the ropes of running and handling a farm in preparation for Preston running his own.

Shot one: Preston is in the most ridiculous farm clothes ever. Mismatched colours, a large straw hat, bright and shiny new overalls (in contrast to Tex's, which are faded and worn) which are too short for him, revealing polka dot socks.

Tex demonstrating how to milk a cow. Preston nods impatiently as he watches. He sits down to try it on his own, but for some inexplicable reason the cow panics and sends Preston tumbling into the hay with the bucket of milk all over Preston.

Shot of him looking annoyed with himself.

Shot of Chanel and Lucy, watching, as Chanel laughs and Lucy rolls her eyes at her Dad.

Shot two: Tex and Preston collecting eggs. On one side of the barn, Tex is calmly picking up eggs and putting them in his basket. On the other, Preston is fighting a running battle with the hens as he struggles to pick up the eggs. Forced back step by step, defending himself with his basket, in the end he is sent running out the barn, chased by angry chickens.

Shot of Chanel doubled over laughing and Lucy shaking her head.

Shot three: Shot of Preston digging a ditch. He's got the ditch reasonably wide and about a foot deep, with a small pile of earth beside him. Looking winded but proud of himself, he wipes the sweat of his brow, and turns to Tex behind him - and does a double take as Tex's ditch is three times as deep and his pile of earth is three times as high!

Shot four: Tex showing Preston how to ride a horse. Tex tries to show Preston how to handle the reins, but Preston waves him away and ineptly mounts the horse. He begins riding along, merrily, then waves to Chanel and Lucy who are following at a safe distance on their own horses. Preston lifts both hands in a look-at-me-no-hands gesture, grinning and waving. Suddenly the horse bolts and Preston panics. As he clings on to the horse's neck for dear life, Tex, Chanel and Lucy give chase.

As the music comes to an end, we see Preston, hanging dazed from the lower branch of a tree as his horse grazes contentedly nearby. Tex, Chanel and Lucy ride up to him.

"Dear! Preston darling, are you alright!" Chanel jumps off her horse and runs over.

"I'm fine, dear," says Preston, dazed. "Just get the number of that bus which just hit me won't you please?"

With Tex's help, Preston is taken off the tree and onto the ground. All this time, Preston keeps insisting that he is perfectly fine, they should go on, he's having a wonderful time, etc. etc.

"Ya sure you're awlright Mr. Suits?" asks Tex, scratching his head.

"I'm fine!" Preston insists vehemently.

"Alright, ah gotta go round up some of mah steer before it gets too late. Don't want Jenny, Derna, Donna, Aileen, Laura, Helen and Debbie - those are my lovely Jersey heifers -- to get lonely waiting for Archie Leach to come home to them."

"Archie Leach?" asks Preston.

"My prized bull. Those heifers love Archie. Now excuse me folks, ah gotta go. Watch out for yerself Mr. Suits, ah'll see ya at dinner."

"Archie Leach," comments Preston. "Nice name for a bull."

Chapter Eight
-- by Jenny Curtis --


Tex and Chanel are on the front porch drinking coffee. From the open window you hear Preston’s groans as Doc Nockin bandages up his ankle.

Tex: Sit down here and don’t fret. He’ll be just fine. Everybody gets thrown now and again. It’s just the way of it.

Chanel: Even you, Tex? I have a hard time believing that.

Tex: I’ve had my screwball moments myself. I’ve not always been a straight-faced western type. Used to play the tuba, but that was back aways.

Chanel: The Tuba? Indeed.

Tex: No Deeds. That was my name, when I went to town. Anyway, as I was sayin, anyone can fall off a horse. All it takes is a momentary lapse in coordination. (as he says this she is still pacing. She trips on a loose board and falls over.)

Chanel: Think I’ll sit down after all.

Tex: You are stubborn, woman. (He lends a hand to pull her up. There is a spark of attraction set-off by the touch. Followed by a mutual blush.) Say you got some sun, there. Ya oughta get yerself a bonnet.

Chanel: Bonnet yourself, Tex. I think your face is red, too.

Tex: I don’t know if I’d look good in gingham. But I guess I gotta wear my hat more, or else be more particular who I help up off the floor. (The cook appears in the doorway)

Cook: Chanel, them pies you put in are done. Tex, you wanna give me a hand with testing them out?

Tex: Pie! You don’t have to ask me twice about that. (He blows past her into the kitchen. Cook follows.)

(Chanel is left alone on the porch. Her horse, Loverboy, has come loose from the hitching post and lazily wanders over across the yard to her.)

Chanel: Loverboy! What are you doing on your own? Oh where’s Tex when you need him? Off with MY pies.

(Camera switches to the bedroom where Doc Nockin has just finished Preston’s ankle. He packs the bandages back into his bag.)

Doc: Well, don’t dance Swan Lake anytime in the next couple of days and you’ll be right as rain.

Preston: I’ve always been more of a Nutcracker ballerina, anyway. See ya Doc. Thanks.

(Doc Exists. Preston leans back into the pillow to nap. He hears Chanel exclaiming through the open window, "Oh, Loverboy! Oh my!" His eyes nearly pop out of his head and he inches closer to the window to hear.)

Chanel (through the window): What am I going to do with you, naughty boy. Now cut that out and hold still so I can get my arms around you.

(Preston leans closer, but is prevented from seeing much since his leg is awkwardly placed on top of a big fluffy pillow. From his vantage point he can only see a bit of the porch. Chanel and the mysterious "Loverboy" are just out of his view. He slams his fists on the pillow in frustration.

The camera switches to Chanel’s vantage point where we see that she is struggling to catch Loverboy’s halter from atop the porch. He playfully walks forward and nuzzles her face. She laughs a tinkling giggle. The camera switches back to Preston. His eyes narrow to slits of rage.)

Chanel (Through the window): Oh, Loverboy, cut that out you’re drooling on my neck.

(Preston stuffs the pillow in his mouth and screams into it. We hear a muffled bellow as he bounces up and down on his hands.)

(Camera switches to Chanel. She walks down off the porch, grabs Loverboy’s halter and attempts to climb up on him. He playfully takes a solitary step backwards and cocks his ears--the Equine equivalent of Asta.)

(Camera switches back to Preston. He’s pulled the pillow out from under his foot. He approaches the window about to catch an eyeful that would end this silly 3’s Company misunderstanding when…)

Chanel (through the window): I don’t understand. A minute ago you wanted me to climb on top of you.

(Upon hearing this Preston loses his precarious balance and topples over. He screams in pain. Bangs his head on a nearby dresser and passes out from his double wound.)

Chapter Nine
-- by Tricia --

Scene cuts to Chanel adjusting Loverboy’s halter while some extremely loud and sultry music begins blares from the neighbor’s Victrola. (Concurrent to Preston’s fall)

Chanel thinks to herself how obnoxious it is.

Tex (scurrying out of the house) - Hey there darlin’ thought you might be interested in seein’ my Long Horn Fog Horn Gypsy Bull Riding Solid Gold belt buckle. I won this in Elephant Butte year’s back, ain’t she a beaut? (holding it up for her to see)

Chanel – Approves with a smile. Who’s causing the racket?

(music ends with a scratch)

Tex – (grimly) My neighbor.

Approaching from the corner in a tight outfit, full make-up and hat is Bertha Arkana (played by Mae West) She’s clearly enamored with Tex.

Bertha – Hey sugah, (ignoring Chanel) thought ya’d like some Fried Chicken. Fresh outta the cooker. What’s that ya wearin’, smell it from here? Give me a kiss.

Tex – (silent, blushing and looking uncomfortable)

Chanel – Looks at Bertha with disgust.

Bertha - Aw, that’s ok . I have enough love for the two of us. (Bertha gives Tex a kiss on the cheek leaving an enormous red impression)

Bertha - Bye sugar. (Bertha eases down the path from which she came)

Chanel – Why I’ve never…. (stunned by Bertha’s forward and inappropriate behavior.)

Tex – She’s crazy ‘bout all the men in town. Personally, I’m a bit scared of her.

Tex – Let’s forget about her. Today I think I’m going to wear this prize. (he pulls on the Long Horn Fog Horn belt with pride)

Chanel – (dismissing her agitation with Bertha, Chanel notices Tex forgot a belt loop on his jeans and that it’s on backward. She lets it go and just smiles)  - I better check on Preston; it’s been awhile.

Tex - You better run along now. Wouldn’t want the old man getting jealous. (They both laugh nervously)

Chanel reties Loverboy, picks some fresh flowers for Preston from a cutting garden and heads for the house. (forgetting about her pies) Just inside she notices Preston passed out on the floor. (She exclaims) Oh!  Tex! Hurry!  

(Tex comes running in and they look down over Preston who’s slowly coming to)

Preston – (Lying down dazed with blurred vision. He can barely see Chanel and Tex looking down over him.)

Chanel - Preston, darling. Preston, sweetheart – can you hear me?

Tex - Hey there feller. He’s comin’ round. (hushed tone) Looks like my cousin Abner did after Berny knocked him clear across "The Hungry Steer’s" full-length bar. Poor Abner, serves him right for monkeying around with Berny’s wife and all.

Preston – (hears Tex’s comments and thrusts back into reality. His eyes widen when he notices that deep red kiss on Tex’s face.)

Chanel – Oh Darling, thank goodness

Tex – (takes a step back and stretches)

Preston – (when Tex stood tall Preston noticed his belt on backward and the loop missing. He pushes himself up and readies himself and mumbles) While a sick man lies in pain you… Oh, I can’t believe this, this always happens to the good ones. All the times I thought of straying, but no…I resisted, I PERSEVERED. (face as red as a beet.)

Chanel – What are you mumbling Preston? Tex, I think he’s delirious – call the doc now!

Preston – I’m fine, everyone around here’s a little batty. Ask Loverboy who’s delirious, you certainly got to know him quite well. (Sarcastic)

Chanel – What does Loverboy have to do with anything? Why do you sound jealous? He’s just here to love and entertain me. You moved us here, you knew I would need him sooner or later.

Preston – (Eye’s wide) Hmpf!

Chanel – Oh darling, you’re tired, you’ve had a long day. Why don’t you lie down? (guiding him back down) I’ll bring you some tea and…

Preston – (cutting in) I can’t take this anymore! (sitting up) You can’t stand here and go on like this about that… that ignorant, wife-stealing, country bumpkin’ in front of me! No I won’t stand for it!

Chanel: - For goodness sake, Preston! What are you saying?

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