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FAN FICTION
"Underpants"
By Laura Collins


Subject:  Underpants
Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2000 19:16:40 EST
From: Laura Collins
Reply-To: Warbrides

That's right, underpants. Some of you might be familiar with a list that's been circulating of "Stars Wars" quotes where strategic words or phrases have been replaced by the word "underpants". It occurred to me: Why not give this treatment to quotes from Cary movies? I think the results are pretty amusing, but feel free to judge for yourself.

ARSENIC AND OLD LACE

  Elaine -- But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my underpants, too.
  Mortimer -- One thing at a time!

THE AWFUL TRUTH

  Jerry -- The judge says this is my day to see the underpants.

CHARADE

  Inspector Grandpierre -- Tell me, Mr. Dyle. Where were you at 3:30 a.m.?
  Dyle -- In my underpants. Asleep.


  Inspector Grandpierre -- Three of them.  All in their underpants?
  C'est ridicule!  What is it, some new American fad?

FATHER GOOSE

  Walter -- Frank.  Kiss my underpants, Frank.

HIS GIRL FRIDAY

  Tagline -- She learned about underpants from him!


  Walter -- Look, Hildy, I only acted like any husband that didn't want his underpants broken up.
  Hildy -- What underpants?
  Walter-- "What underpants"???  Don't you remember the underpants I promised you?


  Bruce -- Nice town, Albany.   They've got underpants there, you know.

  Hildy -- Look, there's this old newspaper superstition that the first big check you cash, you hide it in the lining of your underpants.

I'M NO ANGEL

  Mae West -- It's not the underpants in your life, it's the life in your underpants that counts.

NORTH BY NORTHWEST

  Ticket Seller -- Something wrong with your eyes?
  Roger -- Yes, they're sensitive to underpants.


  Roger -- Now, what can a man do with his underpants off for 20 minutes?


  Roger -- I didn't realize you were an art collector.  I thought you only collected underpants.

NOTORIOUS

  Alicia -- My underpants are outside.
  Devlin -- Naturally.


  Alicia -- This fog gets to me.
  Devlin -- It's your underpants.

THE PHILADELPHIA STORY

  Margaret Lord -- The course of true love. . .
  Mike -- . . . gathers no underpants.


  Liz -- What's this room? I've forgotten my underpants.


  Tracy  --  Oh, Mike, put me in your underpants!


  Margaret -- We both might face the facts that neither one of us has proved to be a very great success as a wife.
  Tracy -- We picked the wrong underpants.

SYLVIA SCARLETT

  Monk -- Oh, what's 'appened to me underpants?

TALK OF THE TOWN

  Leopold -- Well, it's a form of self-expression. Some people write books. Some people write music. I make underpants on street corners.


TO CATCH A THIEF

  Hughson--The underpants are light as air.


  Frances -- My nerves could use a drink.
  Jessie  --  Your nerves and your underpants!

And, of course, my favorite, from 
"Bringing Up Baby":


  Aunt Elizabeth -- Well, you look perfectly idiotic in those underpants.
  David -- These aren't my underpants.
  Aunt Elizabeth -- Well, where are your underpants?
  David -- I've lost my underpants!
  Aunt Elizabeth -- But why are you wearing *these* underpants?
  David -- Because I just went gay all of a sudden!


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