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The Ultimate Cary Grant Pages - www.carygrant.net


FAN FICTION
"Warbride's Screwball Comedy"
Chapters 22 thru 24


Chapters
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

Chapter Twenty Two
-- by Helen Fredericks --

Maggie reads the note twice and puts it down in her dresser. She sits on the bed and smiles. ‘What a day!’ she thinks to herself. “I sure hope it is worth all this trouble!” she says out loud!

She reaches up and pulls the towel off her head. She runs her hands through her hair and looks in disgust at her sticky fingers! “Yuck!” she says, “I will never get all this Jell-O out of my hair!” Maggie gets up and heads back into the shower.

While Maggie is in the shower, Cary enters his room. He walks straight to the door between their staterooms and knocks. “Maggie?” He says, “Maggie darling, are you there?”

When he gets no response he tries the handle. The door opens and he hears the shower. Cary smiles and listens to the sound of the shower and Maggie’s singing. He closes the door softly and walks over to the bed while taking his jacket off. As he throws the jacket on the bed, a small white envelope falls out of his pocket. He reaches down and thinks to himself, ‘Where did this come from.”

He looks at it for a moment, then opens it and reads:

Dearest Cary,
6 o’clock, Captains Quarters
No interruptions…
Happy Thoughts
Maggie

“Yes,” he says and smiles at the closed door. “Yes, my dear Maggie, I will be there!” His hand goes to his chin as he is imagining the ceremony that will make Maggie his wife. “Hmmm. I need a shave.” Cary picks up his jacket and begins planning a wonderful honeymoon! He heads down the ships corridor whistling the theme to An Affair To Remember.

Shortly after Cary leaves, the door from a cabin two doors down opens. The tall man in evening attire that slipped the note under Maggie’s door, watches as Cary steps into the elevator. Once the doors close behind him, the man exits his cabin and walks over to the door of Cary’s cabin. He knocks gently and when he gets no response, he pulls out a passkey and enters the room.

He looks around the spacious cabin, walks over to the adjoining door, opens it slightly and hears the shower running. He closes the door quietly and turns to scan the room. When he sees the note on the table, he walks over to it, but bumps in to a chair.

Meanwhile, Maggie has gotten out of the shower and put a robe on. She hears a noise in the next cabin and decides to surprise Cary. As she opens the door, she sees a man at the table. She knows immediately that this is not Cary. She watches through a crack in the door.

The man picks up the note and reads it. A smile comes over his face. He reaches into his pocket and takes out an identical note and puts it in the envelope. He then looks around and slips the note between the table and the desk next to it. Then he says, “That should do the trick!” And turns and walks out sliding the original note into his pocket. What he doesn’t realize is the note slips from his hand and lands on the floor.

As soon as he closes the door, Maggie enters the room and picks up the note from between the table and desk. The note reads the same as hers, except it is from her:

Dearest Cary,
4 o’clock, Captains Quarters
No interruptions
Happy Thoughts
Maggie

‘Now that’s weird.’ Maggie thinks. ‘I didn’t write this…but then who did.’ Maggie looks around the cabin and sees the other note. She picks it up and reads it.

“OK,” she says. “Obviously someone wants us both to think the other stood us up.” Maggie opens the door and sees the man talking to the Steward and then enters a cabin a couple of doors down. Maggie opens the door and calls out to the Steward.

“Excuse me.” She says smiling.

“Yes Miss?” The steward approaches her.

“I was wondering if I could get some extra towels?”

“Certainly, Miss. I will bring them immediately.

“One moment,” Maggie says. “Who was that man you were just speaking with?”

“Oh, That was Mr. Berris.” He answers. Then leans closer to her and whispers, “He’s a big shot reporter from SPY Magazine.”

“Is he really?” Maggie asks. “Wow, right here on the ship!”

“And he’s very nice too! I had lost my passkey. He found it and just returned it!”

“Well, that was certainly nice.”

“ It certainly was, Miss! I can’t tell you what kind of trouble I would have been in if he hadn’t found it!” Maggie nods her approval.

“I’ll be right back with those towels.” And he hurries off.

“Very nice.” Maggie says to herself. She turns and enters the cabin and looks at the two notes in her hand.

“But I have a better plan than you Mr. Berris!” Maggie walks over and picks up the phone. “Connect me to the Bridge, please.” Maggie says.

4:20 PM – CAPTAINS QUARTERS.

Maggie is seen running from the Captains Quarters in tears. The Captains Wife follows her out the door and calls after her, “Don’t cry my dear, it is probably for the best! These movies stars a strange creatures.”

6:20 PM CAPTAINS QUARTERS

Cary exits the Captains Quarters with the Captain at his side. “I just don’t understand?” Cary says. “I am giving up on women all together!”

“Now, Now.” The Captain consoles him. “ It for the best! The young women of today just don’t understand commitment.”

Cary storms off to the bar for a drink.

2AM THE NEXT MORNING

The ship docks in Ireland to unload cargo from the ship. The crew works quietly on the dock. As they are about to pull up the gangplank, two crewmembers walk down it and step onto the dock. They hurry off to a waiting car.

“Good Morning Sir,” The driver says as he opens the door.

“Good Morning Trevor” Cary says. “Thanks for meeting us. Is everything set?”

“Yes, Mr. Grant, the priest is waiting.”

Cary and Maggie slip into the back seat of the car. Just as the car begins to move, Cary says,” Just a moment Trevor.” He looks at Maggie, “I want to make sure that ship of fools leaves!” They look at each other and begin to laugh!

Once the ship pulls away from the dock, Cary gives Trevor the order to leave.

“Now my dear Mary Margaret you will be Mrs. Cary Grant within the hour!” Cary says and kisses Maggie passionately.

“mmmmm, that sounds perfect darling!” Maggie says and kisses him back. “Just perfect!” She looks out the back window at the ship growing smaller as the car speeds away.

Maggie yawns and curls up in Cary’s arms. “I’m just going to take a quick nap.” She closes her eyes.

“You do that my Love.” Cary kisses her check and pulls her closer.


Chapter Twenty Three
-- by Chris Leidig --

Randolph: Depressed?

Brooksie: No darling, why should I be?

Randolph: The Cockney has left the building.

Brooksie: It's called a boat, dear, deluded Randolph. Besides, I'm not the crumpets and tea type.

Randolph: No more deceptions to win him back?

Brooksie: Not me dear. I'm come out from under that cloud.

Irene: Another one stealing my lines! Is there no honor anymore?

Brooksie: Now I know where the phrase beauty fades but dumb is forever originated. That was Cary's line in the Awful Truth. I saw you in that picture and I wondered what you looked like. Irene, why are you even here? You add nothing to the plot. You show up on a boat that is in the middle of the ocean and you mutter inanities.

Irene: I'm a red herring!

Brooksie: A red herring?

Randolph: It's a fish. Hard to find a wine that compliments it.

Brooksie: Well, this fish stinks as much as the Magic Johnson show. Sit down Irene. We need to talk.

Irene: I don't think I will. It's easier to run if you stand.

Randolph: Walk, don't run. It's easier on the knees.

Berris: Gang's all here.

Brooksie: It's a shame we don't have any chains.

Berris: Still holding a grudge?

Brooksie: I don't abide liars Mr. Adams.

Irene: All actors are liars honey. We don't really do the things we do on that big screen. It's called acting.

Brooksie: Irene, you're a few donuts shy of a baker's dozen. Mr. Adams, you and I have never met. I did not hire you to impersonate Maggie's husband.

Irene: Really?! Funny. That didn't make much sense to me either. Why would Maggie be upset about seeing you if you weren't her husband?

Brooksie: Sound the bells boys, Irene said something intelligent.

Randolph: None of this make sense to me. It's all so screwy. Is this a blonde thing?

Brooksie: So you're really her husband?

Berris: At least in this chapter.

**********

Cary: Nervous?

Maggie: Not at all darling. I've waited for this moment for years.

Cary: We've only known each other for 23 chapters.

Maggie: Do you really want to marry me? You hardly know me.

Cary: You can't be any worse than my other wives. You're not an anorexic, depressed heiress are you?

Maggie: Of course not!

Cary: Just checking. It never hurts to be careful.

Maggie: What time is the wedding?

Cary: One o'clock.

Maggie gives Cary a brief kiss.

Maggie: I must change. I want to look spectacular on my wedding day.

Cary: There's no doubt of that.

Maggie: You always know the perfect thing to say.

Cary kisses Maggie on the forehead.

Cary: Must run dear. Plans to make. Be ready at noon, ok?

Maggie: See you soon Dext, I mean Cary.

Cary runs off, and Maggie enters into her hotel room.

Maggie: I just hope the ghost of groom number one doesn't spoil this for me.

**********

Brooksie: Hurry, Irene!!

Irene: I'm doing my best! Cary usually drives in our movies.

Brooksie: No time for this! We have to save Cary from that murderess.

Randolph: Murder? Who did she kill? Where was I when this was discussed?

Brooksie: We discussed this during the scene with Maggie and Cary preparing for the wedding. If I tell you the awful truth now, the big finish will be ruined.

Randolph: Will I be there for the finish? I don't want to miss it.

Brooksie: The only thing you missed was the boat darling. You'll be there for the big finish.

Irene: You know, there's one thing I don't understand.

Brooksie: Just one?

Irene: This story is supposed to be about Cary Grant. Why are you the main character in this chapter?

Brooksie: The author likes me better.

Randolph: Makes sense to me.

Irene: I can always count on you Randolph to make me feel intellectually superior.

Brooksie: Floor it, Irene! We have to save Cary's life! ..

Berris is sitting in a cot inside a jail cell. His head is in his hands.

Cop: You're charged with Theft, murder, assault, conspiracy to murder, espionage.

Berris: Espionage?

Cop: Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Berris: What about my one phone call?

Cop: You and this Maggie the cat are quite the pair. Murdering men for the insurance. You haven't been watching the Honeymoon Killers, by chance?

Berris: It's not exactly the same.

Cop: Oh, that's right. Still want to make that call?

Berris: Need to call my agent. I took this part because it was supposed to be a screwball comedy. Now it's The Thin Man meets Dumb and Dumber. I refuse to give ten percent for this part!

**********

Maggie slams the phone down.

Maggie: Where are you Berris?

Maggie walks over to her bed, and opens up her purse. Inside is a gun. She looks into its chambers, sees that it is loaded, and puts it back in her purse. She falls back on to the bed.

Maggie: Soon I will be Mrs. Cary Grant, the grieving widow. A very rich grieving widow.

Cary knocks on the door.

Cary: Ready darling?

Maggie grabs her purse, walks to the door, opens it, and gives Cary a kiss on the cheek.

Cary: We are getting married. Can't you do any better?

Maggie brushes her hand across Cary's face and gently places her lips upon his and kisses him ever so softly.

Cary: That's more like it dear! My luck with wives is going to change today. No more divorce.

Maggie: That's right darling. Divorce is not in your future.

Cary: Shall we go the chapel now?

Maggie: Of course.

**********

Brooksie: Where's the chapel?

Irene: On Easy Street.

Brooksie: That line sounded flat to me in rehearsal. What about Beat Street?

Randolph: If we were in France, it would be rue de beat.

Randolph laughs.

Brooksie: The laughter of children. Hurry Irene! I have to save Cary, send Maggie off the hot roof, and get married!

Irene: Married?

Brooksie: Yes, married! Didn't you read the end of chapter 23?

**********

Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the Kitteredge love chapel to join. Sorry son, who are you again?

Cary: Grant. Cary Grant.

Minister: Right! Always confuse you with that nice Gary Cooper! Now, there was an actor!

Maggie: Could we move this along?

Minister: Oh, right, now where was I?

Cary: Gathered here to join..

Minister: We are gathered here to join Cary Grant and Margaret..

Brooksie: You can't marry these people!

Cary: Brooksie darling, please this is not the time for a splashy entrance. I'm marrying my beloved Maggie.

Irene: Hi Cary, looking sharp there! It's time to sing the blues. Your Maggie is nothing but a...

Brooksie: Do you mind? You're always stealing someone's lines!

Maggie: Enough!

Maggie brandishes a gun at points it at everyone.

Randolph: I didn't see that coming.

Irene: The loon's on the loose with a gun.

Maggie: I won't hesitate to use it. Cary: My beloved Maggie, what are you doing? Were you in that jell-o mold too long?

Maggie: Do you think I loved you? You were nothing but a huge insurance policy. You were an easy mark. You were simply Cash and Cary to me.

Irene: Good one Maggie! Now try another pun!

Brooksie: Irene, do you mind? This is no time for levity. This is a terse showdown between a cold-blooded killer and a beautiful misunderstood young woman.

Irene: Thanks for the compliment.

Brooksie: Muzzle yourself! This is my moment!

A voice booms through the chapel: And now appearing, the Grammy-Winning artist Enrique Iglesias!

Enrique Iglesias comes out and begins to croon Enamorado Primera Vez.

Cary: What is this?

Brooksie: An indulgence on the writer's part.

As the song ends, the gorgeous Enrique Iglesias fades way.

Randolph: How's that for realism? He didn't even congratulate Cary and Maggie on their upcoming nuptials.

Brooksie jumps at Maggie, and wrestles the gun from her hand.

Brooksie: Foiled Dolly doll!

Randolph: How disappointing! I wanted a catfight.

The police, who always come too late in these stories, storm up the aisle, and handcuff Maggie. As they lead her away, Maggie turns to Cary.

Maggie: Call me, will you?

They lead her away.

Cary: You saved my life.

Brooksie: I had some help.

Irene: I drove! You never let me drive! I only hit one nun, but it was a superficial wound.

Brooksie shoots Irene a look.

Irene: Sorry, go on, get romantic!

Cary: Darling, I've been so wrong about you. Can you ever forgive me?

Brooksie: Of course darling. I understand.

Randolph: I'm glad someone does.

Cary: What do you say, you become the new Mrs. Cary Grant?

Brooksie: I would like nothing better.

Cary looks at Randolph Scott.

Cary: Best man?

Randolph: Honored, CG.

Brooksie: Maid of honor?

Irene: Matron of honor. Remember, who exactly am I married to? OOOH anyway, I accept.

Minister: I can't believe this is happening.

Donna: Neither can the Warbrides.

Minister: Excuse me, who are you?

Donna: Donna Moore, Warbride. I've come to mourn the loss of Cary Grant's bachelorhood. Please, do go on.

Randolph: This is all too much excitement. I need a seltzer.

Minister: Dearly beloved..

Cary: Could we skip that part? We weren't too successful with that last time.

Minister: Do you Cary Grant...?

Cary: I do.

Minister: And do you...dear, what is your name?

Brooksie: You can call me Brooksie.

Minister: Do you Brooksie take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Brooksie: I do.

Minister: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Cary kisses Brooksie and there are cheers from the hot dog vendors outside.

Irene: Quite a show, huh?

Donna: Not as good as Sylvia Scarlett, but it's up there. He really is a gorgeous man!

Irene: Aren't you married?

Donna: Well, yes, but..

Irene: You Scots are so frisky! Have you met Randolph Scott? Randolph, this Donna Moore. She's from Scotland.

Randolph: That's funny. I understand everything you say. Would you care to be my date for the evening?

Donna: My husband is out of town, why not??

Randolph: Let's go doll!

Brooksie: Are you willing to risk?

Cary: I am. I've been a fool. My Angel was always standing right in front of me.

Brooksie: Halo tarnished of course. Cary: But a nice halo!

Irene: Come on Fellow characters, it's time for the Grand finale party. Jenny Curtis is throwing it! I hear Donna and Randolph make a spectacle of themselves!

Brooksie: Are you ready to face the world darling?

Cary: This is the beginning of a beautiful marriage.


Chapter Twenty Four - The Conclusion
-- by Jenny Curtis --

(It is sunrise in Ireland. Maggie and Cary are riding in the cart on their way to the chapel in the countryside of County Galway, where the Quiet Man was filmed. Maggie is still asleep on Cary’s shoulder. The cart goes over a sharp bump and Maggie starts awake.)

Maggie: Oh my. Remind me never to eat red herring for breakfast again.

Cary: What?

Maggie: Nothing. I just had the weirdest dream. I was a murderer, Brooksie was merely misunderstood and everybody kept breaking the fourth wall. All the dialogue was quite witty, but it reminded me too much of that play by what’s his name. The one that Kate Hepburn just bought. Then some Latin crooner appeared for no apparent reason. There was a lovely mysterious lass from Scotland, too, but I can’t remember her name. Anyway, the thing that bothered me the most in the dream was how instantly you fell back in love with Miss Parker. Perhaps you are just a butterfly.

Cary: So now I’m a butterfly, oh well..

Maggie (whacking him over the head with a handful of straw): stop quoting your films, dear.

Cary: Sorry. Force of habit. Seriously, I’m utterly smitten with you. If you don’t believe me, stick around, and I’ll have a piece of paper to prove it in about a half an hour. (They kiss and roll around a bit in hay until the cart bumping whacks Cary’s head against the railing.

Cary: Ouch.

Maggie: (giggling) Careful.

Cary: Never mind me, I’m just the comic relief. (sitting up) Maggie?

Maggie: Yes.

Cary: There is one thing that bothers me. Why did you get so upset if Brooksie merely hired Mr. Adams to play your husband?

Maggie: If I tell you, you won’t believe me.

Cary: Try me dear. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if you said you were really Constance Bennett in disguise and this cart driver turned out to be Roland Young.

Maggie: Well the awful truth is Mr. Adams was my husband--for a very brief period, a long time ago. But back then his name was Joe Smith and he was in hardware.

Cary: uh, uh, uh...

Maggie: Sorry. I couldn’t resist. Mr. Adams, er, Berris, and I are third cousins twice removed. When I was 18 my mother got a letter from his mother in Ireland who was desperately poor. If she could send one of her children to America to work it would help a lot. So Berris came to live with us and everything was fine until he got into a bit of trouble with the law.

Cary: Bootlegging?

Maggie: Well yes and no. He was charged with tearing the tags off of mattresses that were illegally shipped across the Canadian border.

Cary: (whistles) Diabolical.

Maggie: I’ll say. The feds were all over that phony mattress ring like Brooksie on your Rodeo Drive charge plate.

Cary: Good one, dear. Go on...

Maggie: Well, the coppers were about to deport Berris, when my family discovered that if Berris married an American citizen he could stay here. That’s were I came in. We were married in name only. Say, that gives me an idea for a title...Anyway, since it was his first offense, the judge went easy and he did community service, lecturing to the children about the dangers of counterfeit mattresses. After the heat was off, Berris and I got a quiet annulment. I moved out to California and the rest is fanfiction.

Cary: Where do you suppose Brooksie dug him up.

Maggie: I don’t know, but I bet that mother of hers had something to do with it. She’s got a keener nose than Asta in a Butcher’s shop.

Cary: Ha! I’ll say. I always felt like stalked prey in her company.

Maggie: I know I should have told you about it sooner. I was planning to, but this wedding came up so suddenly. Then everything got so crazy what with the jello and the celebrity guest stars. I was too busy just reacting to all those people who showed up on board the ship in the middle of the ocean.

Cary: I know what you mean. But we’re safe now dear. Brooksie is halfway across the Atlantic by now and she probably hasn’t even noticed we’re missing. And look, I see the church on the horizon. Nothing can possibly prevent us from marrying now, my love.

Maggie: Are you sure it’s what you want?

Cary: Of course. If I don’t marry you soon, there are going to be a lot of censors very upset with me.

Maggie: It’s just that I’d hate to have you get cold feet. I’ve been to the alter so many time in the last few days I’ve got stretch marks on my veil. I’ve had more rice thrown at me than the worst waiter at Sammy Kahns and Liz Taylor’s been hounding me for my autograph.

Cary: That was what is known as the triple. Bob Hope would be proud.

Maggie: Who?

Cary: Oh just that crazy vaudevillian who sings that irritating memory song.

Maggie: Oh, yeah. Hey, look there’s the priest. (Calling out) Good morning, Father!

Father (who looks suspiciously like Ward Bond): Morning, child!

Maggie: Oh Cary, isn’t this village beautiful. Someone should film a movie here. It’s so wonderful.

Cart Driver (who looks suspiciously like Barry Fitzgerald): all right, love birds. This is it. Get your arses out of the cart.

Cary: Driver, watch your language.

Driver: What’s the point of having me in yer bleedin fan fiction, if I can’t use me colorful native colloquia...colloq...colloquila...er, expressions.

Cary: All right, as long you don’t get drunk and start boxing everyone.

Driver: You keep the leopards out of the church and you’ve got a deal, son.

(The wedding march begins on the organ. As Cary and Maggie prepare to walk down the isle, we see a montage of Brooksie and Randolph Scott dancing on board the ship. Irene Dunne and Berris Adams are dancing. He comically comes up to her chin as he tells her about mattresses and she feigns interest. Camera fades back to Cary and Maggie kissing at the alter. A telegram arrives in Hollywood and is placed on Hedda Hopper’s desk. “Cary Grant and Maggie O’Brien wed in Ireland. Stop. Location of honeymoon unknown for sake of security. Possible romance between Brooksie and Randolph Scott. stop. Irene Dunne disappeared from set of Love Affair. stop. Rumored lost at sea with mattress salesman. Stop. Telegram too long. Stop. How old Cary Grant?)

THE END


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